CONSOLING THE BEREAVED: II SAMUEL 13-19

 

this past year a number of our friends and relatives have suffered the loss of someone close to them. And it is always a problem knowing how to comfort them and what to say that will help rather than make things even worse. In that regard there are some pertinent stories found in II Samuel involving King David and his general Joab that bear repeating.

After Absalom had killed his half-brother Amnon, he fled from Jerusalem and stayed away for three years (II Samuel 13:1-38). Verse 39 says that “the heart of the king went out, yearning for Absalom, for he was now consoled over the death of Amnon.

Out of pity for his king, Joab concocts an elaborate but successful scheme designed to bring about a reconciliation between David and Absalom, as described in II Samuel 14:1-27. Now Joab is a complex character, as one can see by reading through his long career from II Samuel 2 to I Kings 2. J.D. Douglas calls Joab's character “a strange mixture” of love and hate, purity of motive and deceit, concern and violence. In any case, Joab's motives appear to be above board and designed only for the king's welfare. But despite his noble actions, Absalom repays him by burning down his field in a fit of anger and ends up splitting the kingdom in two.

I was reminded of this story when recently watching a documentary about the life of Dean Martin. At one point in his life right after his son had died in a plane crash, Dean withdrew into himself for a period of time while trying to deal with his grief. His very good friend Frank Sinatra decided that the best thing for Dean would be to give him some activity to take his mind off his problems. I see a very close parallel here with Joab's actions in regard to King David, especially since Sinatra was another very interesting mixture of occasional violence and great compassion.

The parallels continue in considering the scheme that Sinatra had in mind. He convinced a reluctant Dean Martin to join him with other members of the Rat Pack on stage in Las Vegas for a series of performances. Instead of it helping the situation, however, the plan backfired on Sinatra since Dean was not at all ready to get out in public yet and ended up walking out and not speaking to Sinatra again for years. These similar stories demonstrate that you really have to know what you are doing when you are trying to console someone who is grieving. Otherwise you may end up doing much more harm than good, despite your good motives.

Getting back to the trio of David, Absalom and Joab: The bloodthirsty side of Joab's personality is demonstrated when he finally gets his revenge on Absalom by stabbing him as Absalom is hanging from a tree (II Samuel 18:9-15). This, of course, triggers another bout of grief for David, which has the potential of totally demoralizing David's troops and again harming the unity of the nation. And again, it is Joab who has to shake him out of his grief and into appropriate action before too much harm is done (II Samuel 19:1-8). This time, Joab is totally correct in his actions. This serves as a valuable object lesson in demonstrating that very similar motives and recommendations may result in a good outcome one time and a disastrous one under different circumstances.

So how does one know how to go about comforting and advising someone who is deep in grief for their loss? I asked this question recently of someone who had lost her husband. She replied that the best help by far came from friends of hers who had experienced a similar situation. They seemed to be the only ones who could truly empathize with her because of their own experiences.

Perhaps the best advice one can give to someone confronted with the question of what to say or counsel to those going through pain and loss in their life is just to act like Job's friends did initially. They showed their support by just being there and saying nothing at all. It was only when they opened their mouths that they got into trouble.